VHS Artwork

If somebody came up to you and started describing a sci-fi film where people plug themselves in to a virtual reality through inputs located on the back of their neck, but then followed that up by saying that it wasn’t The Matrix then you’d probably think that it was some sort of bad riddle. In retrospect, it probably is in a way but a little film called Mindwarp used this concept seven years before The Matrix did. While Mindwarp isn’t nearly as flashy or anywhere near the same category of success as The Matrix (or as good), it can probably pass for one of those sci-fi films you catch sporadically during a fit of insomnia while flipping through channels during the infancy of the day and enjoying more than you thought you would.

The similarities to Total Recall will make themselves apparent right away, but Mindwarp doesn’t take long to throw you into a post-apocalyptic world you’d expect to see The Road Warrior loitering around looking for an opportunity to relish what was thought to be a dried up natural resource. While Mindwarp can be considered a sci-fi film on the surface, it’s most likely a horror film at its roots and that becomes apparent as soon as you realize who’s a part of the cast. Bruce “don’t call me Ash” Campbell plays the love interest for Marta Martin’s Judy while The Tall Man himself, Angus Scrimm, portrays the villainous Seer. While the uniting of these two actors in one film is exciting to horror fans, aficionados may be disappointed when they realize that both Campbell and Scrimm basically have glorified cameos in the film. Neither of their parts seem very large once the film ends, but at least you get to see Campbell get infested by leeches and basically no-sell throwing up his intestines.

Mindwarp is gloriously grotesque, as well. It doesn’t even try to shy away from blood or gore, which is fantastic for bloodthirsty horror fans. A perfect example is the meat grinding device the Seer uses as punishment to individuals who disobey him. The device is made from parts you’d find in a garbage dump along with a plethora of human skulls. After the unfortunate victim goes through the machine, their blood is spewed into a bathtub where the Crawlers, a deformed cannibalistic civilization that lives underground, drink the victim’s blood. But with all the comparisons to horror come many of the same downfalls many films of the genre have. Mindwarp was made in the early 90′s and the leftover cheese from the 80′s makes its way into the film practically effortlessly. That means the few attempts at humor in the film will probably make you verbally groan. The acting is also over the top, Campbell and Scrimm have their moments but the wild card is Marta Martin. Her acting is really terrible early on in the film, but slowly gets more tolerable as the film progresses.

Although you’d probably expect more from a film starring legendary horror icons Bruce Campbell and Angus Scrimm, Mindwarp blends the horror, sci-fi, and thriller genres fairly well. The film still has enough cheese injected into it to make it feel like it was made in the eighties; when horror films were at their peak. So while the acting sometimes leaves something to be desired, the concept is surprisingly great and would even go on to influence sci-fi films you’re probably more familiar with like The Matrix. Mindwarp is half Mad Max and half The Hills Have Eyes with a little bit of Total Recall thrown in for good measure. This quirky, blood-soaked post-apocalyptic gem is worth unearthing if you’re a hardcore fan of horror or sci-fi cinema.

Born in a bad year and month, on a bad day and time, Alan Chang finds himself plagued by disturbing ghostly encounters. Local medium Lady Luck informs his family that he must dig up the bodies of two spirits in particular and bring them to Thailand where they can be reunited in death in order to end the nasty mojo afflicting him. During his trip abroad, Alan hooks up with the sister of one of the deceased and a short love affair ensues. Agreeing to return to his lover in three months time, he heads back to his family in Hong Kong and gets on with his life. When three months come and go without a trip back to Thailand, Alan once again begins experiencing strange occurrences but this time it’s no mere haunting, it’s the blackest of black magic…BLACK DEATH BLACK MAGIC!

Creepy ghosts, a jilted lover, black magic, worms, blood and dueling magicians! It’s time to fall in love with HK cinema all over again!

When fellow cinemaphile and sleaze peddler Jack J over at Backyard Asia recommended this film, I assumed I’d get the usual over-the-top grue and titillating nudity typically associated with HK black magic films. Surprisingly enough though once I actually dove into the film I discovered that it was quite the opposite, there was no gore and only a few hints of skin. If you’re feeling a bit let down about now, don’t. What Brutal Sorcery lacks in sleaze it makes up for with a poster/VHS artwork “inspired” by Argento’s Inferno, a hilariously entertaining English dub and a score blatantly stolen from 1980′s Flash Gordon starring Max von Sydow and Timothy Dalton. Trash cinema gold.

If you’re on a quest, as I am, to see each and every HK genre film you can get your hands on, then you’ll need to see Brutal Sorcery for your own satisfaction. Keep in mind that while there is a story, it’s not an incredibly complex or original one and there’s no happy end for optimistic viewers. This is more “cautionary tale” than “unhinged sleaze-fest” and it definitely could have used more of Chan Lee Lee’s huge tits but it does succeed in mildly entertaining. Now…go check this flick out or I’ll bite the head off of your kitchen-roaming chicken!

Ignoring the mummers of the people and concern of the court, the count’s daughter sneaks out of the castle and head’s for the hills for a quick skinny dip. Instead of a refreshing swim though she’s dragged beneath the waves of the lake and into the clutches of the dragon! Determined to retrieve his daughter and slay the dragon, the count and his soldiers head for the lake to do battle with the beast. Instead of confronting the dragon they come face to face with a spacecraft emerging from the waters!

Turmoil threatens to tear the kingdom apart when the “dragon” still has not been slain and none of the count’s best men seem capable of stopping it. Thankfully the count’s sorrow is short-lived when his lovely princess is found wandering in the forest in a daze. Unable to relay her terrifying ordeal, the royal alchemist journey’s to a desolate part of the kingdom to confront the dragon and discover its secret of eternal life. The alchemist has competition though and a love-struck captain and an overzealous priest will stop at nothing to destroy him and break his hold over the count.

What evil lies within the reptilian armor of the monster? Who is the mysterious knight in black armor and has the alchemist truly found the elixir of eternal youth?

What a steamer! I have to admit that I was seriously Gung-ho for this flick because it sounded intriguing and I figured, at the very least, it would be a quality film with Keitel and Kinski involved. Silly me. Star Knight (aka The Knight of the Dragon) comes off like a cheesy mash-up of Starman, Dune and Black Knight, it combines elegant, unearthly production design with ineffective, bumbling comedy and unlikable characters. The alien, his “suit of armor” and his ship were gorgeous, they deserved a film worthy of their design, not this goofy meandering crap.

I wanted to like Kinski, his ice-cold blue eyes and dazzling smile but the vibe his character gives off is decidedly sinister and therefor hard to connect with. Keitel’s “brave knight” is idiotic and it only gets worse when the Brooklyn accent spills forth during his poorly delivered Olde English dialogue. Honestly, this was a real forehead slapper. I suppose the alien “IX” (Miguel Bosé) was okay but he doesn’t get lines and his acting consisted of wide eyes and head nods.

Star Knight was about as basic as they come, “Alien comes to Earth to study our world and he falls in love.” Big whoop, right? Well as simple as it is it really could have succeed (in its own way) had the characters worked better and the film was played straight. They didn’t and it wasn’t though and, in the end, instead of finding myself mildly entertained with a cool time-waster, I was bored to tears by “just plain bad.” I wish I could say that it got better at some point but it didn’t.

If you’re all about dumb-as-rocks sci-fi comedies like Pluto Nash and Galaxy Quest then you may find this only a little disappointing. Everybody else though should steer clear unless you’re a glutton for cinematic punishment, like me.

Okay first off this film in my eyes is a classic, it has everything a great sci-fi horror film should have and then some. The film, released by Shout! Factory on Blu-ray Disc, has never looked better! Not only does it look great but it also includes the now infamous giant worm rape scene and Erin Moran (aka Joanie Cunningham) getting her head squashed like a summer melon!

Galaxy of Terror is a who’s who of horror/exploitation with names like Robert Englund, Sid Haig, Grace Zabriskie, and Ray Walston. Director Bruce Clark does a nice job of keeping the pace moving and giving us the sexy or gory goods every few minutes, and oh what a bag of goods! We get guttings, scalpings, head-crushing, ripped-off arms and giant, horny maggots! The films FX is dated and the cheapness of the film shines through but you can’t beat Galaxy of Terror for what it is, GOOD FUCKING TIMES!

What can one say about a film staring a talking duck? Epic? Amazing? Classic? Well thought out? HELL NO! When Howard came out in 1986 it tanked at the box office and, even later, on home video. Was it because Howard was a turkey? Well, at the time yes.

Director Willard Huyck and writer Gloria Katz seemed to have no idea how the events of the film should play out so the kitchen sink approach was used to pad the run time and oh what a run time it is! At 2 hours, this over-stuffed turkey of a film gives us duck boobs, human/duck intimacy and an evil overlord. Let’s not forget a talking duck that has a “fowl” mouth!

Howard The Duck is full of ’80s fun, from the clothes, music and even stop-motion monsters! All this leads to little and the film needed less to begin with. I hear Howard The Duck has since become a cult film for a new generation but to this reviewer its not all it’s quacked up to be.

When I came across Blue Underground’s recent release of Amazon Jail I expected nothing less than semi-naked women in the Amazon. Imagine my surprise when I found out there wasn’t many semi-naked women in the Amazon! Nope, THEY WERE ALL NAKED IN THE AMAZON. Not only were they all naked but apparently they liked to catfight naked and wash each other’s clams! Thank God I smoked some crushed lithium in my crack pipe before popping this in because my heart almost stopped several times during this film. This flick had more beaver than a fur storage warehouse! There’s not much story here but who in the HELL cares?

A rich, scumbag white slaver is kidnapping women and turning them out as sex slaves for international buyers and businessmen. As you can imagine, the girls locked in a cage in the yard aren’t one bit pleased that they’re being forced to dance and partake in orgies. To show their protest, they constantly prance around the giant cage…naked.

Luckily for the girls, scumbag white slaver has a sympathetic nephew that enjoys getting it on with their “leader” through the cage while she’s…naked. He promises to help free them all and go to the police. Too bad he’s not all that bright though because his uncle is on to him and decides to lock him up in his room during an orgy.

During the fleshly camaraderie one of the girls makes a break for it into the jungle with trackers hot on her trail. Fortunately for her she runs into a group of young local girls bathing in a waterfall…heh heh…naked. They decide to help her but not before the trackers show up and capture all four of them. That night, dancing girl devises an escape by allowing one of the trackers to bang her while she stabs him in the back. Before she can make it very far, the trackers shoot her in the back. Hmm, no blood? WHO CARES!

When the hired hands bring back three new girls, scumbag white slaver is notified that the local police plan to investigate their disappearance. The shit has officially hit the fan and it’s time for the whole damn camp to bug out! Love struck nephew decides to free the girls during the commotion but they’re forced to split up. The group of girls hustle their bare asses into the jungle looking to escape…naked.

Leadership will be challenged…mercy will be sought and the soft touch of a loving lesbian will be required but beware…lonely gold miners working in the jungle haven’t seen women in quite some time. Some girls will die…others will wash each other’s ‘ginas.

MY GOD. This was so far down on the sleaze-o-meter that it’s almost a MUST HAVE film! This was presented in widescreen (1.66) format and the transfer looked wonderful. Granted, it was only made in ’82 but that’s more than enough time to be mishandled and deteriorate.

Despite having been made in Brazil, there’s only an English (2.0 mono) audio track available. I would have preferred subs and the original Portuguese audio but ultimately you don’t need sound or a fabulous picture to appreciate this slab of sinful stroketastic cinema.

On the extras front…don’t hold your breath. A trailer is presented here and that’s it. No featurettes, no stills, not even audio commentary by anybody connected with this film; not that admitting that would help their careers any but it would have been nice. Perhaps a small packet of lotion would have been better?

Exploitation fans will have a ball. The sheer amount of jiggling ass in this film would put most rap videos to shame. Don’t take my word for it though, just look at my hairy palm.

Gwendoline is based on the bawdy 1940’s comic strip “The Adventures of Sweet Gwendoline” by fetish artist John Willie. Director Just Jaeckin stays true to the feel of the original for this movie and, just like a comic where everything happens in frames, the action is fast and occasionally disjointed and the dialog can be rather cartoonish. Even so, there are tits aplenty on display and scenes of bondage and domination are frequent and integral to the story. This is Sweet Gwendoline after all, and she’s a lady who often finds herself in peril, as women in the old serials so often were.

The movie starts out with Gwendoline being kidnapped on the docks somewhere in Asia. She and her maid, Beth, are sold into prostitution. When Willard, the dashing (and self-serving) hero, appears to collect some money owed to him by the new owner of the ladies, he rescues them as an afterthought, and then finds himself unable to get rid of the two.

It turns out that Gwendoline is searching for her father, who was in search of an elusive butterfly, the discovery of which would make him famous in scientific circles. She has to bribe and then blackmail Willard to help her, and they have many adventures in their quest. Up to now, the movie reminds one of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

The three eventually get captured by the Yik Yak, a legendary tribe of warrior women. At this point, the film changes dramatically in style and I was struck by the similarity to the camp majesty of Flash Gordon. Elaborate costumes inspired by oriental design, massive stone architecture and fanciful details in the sets give things an epic feel. The Amazon troops trot around in various leather bikinis and armor, carrying spears and spiked gauntlets for close combat (sergeants have one breast bare, which beats all hell out of stripes). The dungeon of the Amazon queen is straight out of a German Industrial wet dream featuring lots of large metallic devices with giant geared wheels and fiendish workings, all in action with lovely nude ladies in bondage.

Gwendoline is played by Tawny Kitaen in her first big screen role. You may remember her as the “Whitesnake” girl, strutting her stuff in 1980’s music videos. Or maybe you know her as the wife arrested for spousal abuse after she beat up on her husband, professional baseball pitcher Steve Finley. I remember her best for her role in the later and vastly underrated horror movie, Witchboard. No matter how it is you know her, you’ve got to admit that she is one smokin’ hot babe.

Beth the maid is Zabou Breitman, who went on to star in and direct many movies in Europe. She’s quite cute herself, if a little thin for my tastes. Her character is more than window dressing, as she manages to save the day on her own more than once. The hero Willard is a likable scoundrel as played by Brent Huff, who has enjoyed a long career in movies and television. These three have good chemistry, and Breitman and Huff show real comedic talent. The rest of the supporting cast turns in solid performances, and they have fun with their parts. The queen especially gets her share of the witty lines.

The violence isn’t all that well done (this is basically a live-action cartoon, remember), but the film doesn’t shy away from the bloody aftermath. There are also some creative uses of slave women, at least I assume the chariot-pulling pony girls are slaves.

This release is in widescreen, and your audio options are English in Dolby 2.0 or 5.1, or in French in Dolby 2.0 or 5.1. Either way, some characters are dubbed, as the cast was mixed as to native language. From the little bit of it that I watched, the French dubbed version changed the meaning of some exchanges and also has some odd sound effects added. Between that and the fact that the three main characters all originally spoke English, to my mind you might as well watch the movie in English.

There are some nice extras on the disk. A commentary track by director Jaeckin is no great shakes, mainly because it’s in interview format. The questioner has a heavy British accent, and Jaeckin is difficult to understand. He speaks fluent English but his accent means you have to work to figure out what he’s saying. The US and International theatrical trailers are on the disk, along with a French magazine photospread of Tawny Kitaen. Rounding out the extras are an interview with director Just Jaeckin and another (audio only) interview with artist John Willie on his inspiration for the outrageously original “The Adventures of Sweet Gwendoline”. This interview was conducted by the Kinsey Institute just before Willie’s death in 1962.

Gwendoline is sexy, kinky fun. I mean it, and I’m not just saying that so Tawny doesn’t come by and whip my ass.

Our first indication that something isn’t quite right with Thana is when she decides to saw the rapist up into pieces and dispose of his body slowly, piece by piece, instead of calling the police. Gradually the bags begin to dwindle but Thana’s behavior continues to spiral out of control as she begins having flashbacks.

Thana is no longer the sweet, shy mute all of her co-workers had come to know though. Her work performance begins to suffer and soon Thana is stalking the streets with a concealed .45 handgun; the very same gun held to her head while she was raped. Scumbag after scumbag is wasted as Thana murders her way through the streets of New York. No longer the victim; Thana becomes the very violence that scarred her. Men are no longer safe from Thana.

The final sequence in this film is like watching a moving work of art; it was breathtaking. Abel Ferrara, in my opinion, crafted an excellent film. Without getting too “geeky”, the social commentary is all there. If you’re looking for subtext, Ms. 45 will deliver. If you’re just hoping for some good old fashioned “pay back”…you’re going to get that too!

The acting in this film was hit or miss. This was obviously low budget and you just can’t compare low budget actors to names like Brad Pitt or Kiera Knightley. They do the best they can and filmmakers sometimes have to take what they can get. You either deal with it or turn off the goddamn movie.

The FX was decent, though there wasn’t a ton of it. Everything featured in this film felt completely necessary, nothing over the top. The dismembered “pieces” were all just cleverly shot angles of actor’s attached body parts. You never really see anything limbs just lying around; I’m figuring the budget didn’t allow for scattered remains. Even if they did have the funds, it’s probably better they kept things simple.

Image Entertainment’s release was so atrocious they should be embarrassed. There’s nothing…and I mean nothing…aside from chapter selections and PLAY MOVIE. THAT’S IT! No extras, no trailers, no audio selection…nothing. That just sickens me, especially with the current amount of materials companies can fit on a double layered disc. There’s just no excuse for this kind of mistreatment.

As I said earlier, Ms. 45 isn’t going to be a violent humpfest so put away the hand lotion and give this film a chance.

Anyhow, if you haven’t seen 1990: Bronx Warriors lemme break the news to you real quick like…this is 100% Italian rip-off cinema. Whether it’s “at its best” is really up to the viewer. Personally, I love it. Director Enzo G. Castellari and his co-writers (including Dardano Sacchetti!) cribbed generously from such films as Mad Max, Road Warrior (Mad Max 2), Death Wish, John Carpenter’s Escape from New York and The Warriors. Hell, I even spotted a bit of Planet of the Apes in there! Now I wouldn’t stake whatever reputation I have on this following observation but, to me, it looks as if the leader of The Zombies in 1990: Bronx Warriors was inspiration for Julius Carry’s Sho’nuff from 1985’s The Last Dragon. I could be wrong though.

Having been raised by outlaw bikers, I always get a kick out of flicks like this that don’t even bother putting in any effort to make their actors look authentic. A good way of figuring out who the actors are as opposed to the real biker extras is to find everybody that looks like Freddie Mercury from Queen, The Biker from The Village People, ANYBODY from KISS or male figure skaters icin’ to “It’s Raining Men” and you’ve got your actors. I’m not sure why filmmakers seem to have such a hard time differentiating the outlaw biker look from the gay bondage fetish scene but they do.

1990: Bronx Warriors isn’t a complicated film. If you’ve seen Escape from New York and The Warriors, you’ve seen Bronx Warriors. Lemme recap for you anyhow…

The Bronx has been declared “No Man’s Land” and the gangs rule the streets of the boroughs. A young woman named Ann crosses into the Bronx from Manhattan and Trash, the leader of The Riders, rescues her from the clutches of the roller-hockey gang, The Zombies. Faced with the decision to go back to Manhattan or remain with Trash, Ann chooses the Bronx.

A large weapons manufacturing corporation is desperate to bring Ann back from the Bronx at any cost as she stands to inherit the corporation upon her eighteenth birthday. Instead of sending in a special tactical team to extract Ann, they hire a sadistic megalomaniacal cop named Hammer to retrieve the girl. Hammer isn’t interested at all in bringing the girl back though; he’s looking to make a name for himself by setting The Riders & Trash up for the murder of a soldier in The Tigers gang. With the help of gimpy truck driver Hotdog and the overly-ambitious Ice, from The Riders, Hammer does his best to start a war between The Riders and Tigers.

When Ann is kidnapped by The Zombies, Trash is forced to cross the Bronx and face dangerous gangs in order to seek the aid of The Ogre, king of the Bronx and leader of The Tigers. Will The Ogre believe Trash or will he fall for Hammer’s setup? Can Trash & The Ogre set aside their differences and join forces to save Ann and fight The Manhattan Corporation or is it already too late to stop the bloodshed?

1990: Bronx Warrior is pure post-apocalyptic Italian exploitation fun and, for me, it never gets old…that’s just me though. The comparisons between this film and the films it steals from will be obvious to anybody remotely familiar with 70’s & 80’s post-apocalyptic biker/gang cinema so I won’t bother going into all that. There’s a good chance many of you will find this film extremely cheesy though and rightly so because it is. The minute you get a load of Mark Gregory’s waxed chest, girly walk & Maneloe (Man Camel Toe) you’ll know right away this wasn’t meant to be taken too seriously. It’s one of those “switch your brain off” type entertaining testosterone flicks you smile and kick your feet up to.

Personally, I think this could have used some drugs and nudity to spice things up a bit but that’s just the sleaze peddler in me talking. Perhaps the future of 1990 isn’t about snorting a fat rail of a midget chicks little buttcheek but if I were Enzo G. Castellari it would have been! *humps air* YEAH BABY YEAH!! Sorry.

1990: Bronx Warriors isn’t all that bad, the dialogue wasn’t as ridiculous as it tends to be in Italian exploitation cinema and the action/fight sequences were passable. Williamson’s pimp king, The Ogre, was slick as hell and sported a perfectly styled mustache I’d beat a Red Cross worker down for and Vic Morrow’s Hammer was so thoroughly over-the-top (especially during the finale) that the words “chewing scene while on speed” would be a huge understatement. Anybody out there wishin’ we could have gotten a quick peek at Stefania Girolami’s ass? Sorry Enzo but your daughter had a nasty fine can!

Interested viewers will find some decent special features on the Media Blasters disc and that’s all well and good but I would have been more appreciative had they slapped the sequel, Escape from the Bronx, on as an extra instead. Oh well, I’ll live. Check this out when you’ve got time!